How to Raise the Dead
by Darknesse Sidhe
Summary: Once upon there was a random OC who was randomly given a mission to harass Dib until he gave up info about raising the dead. Then she left.


**I don't own Invader Zim.**

**So yeah, my fellow FanFiction author blaaaaaaa and I somehow ended up talking about how we could possibly get Dib to spill about how to raise the dead so we could take over the world. (Do NOT ask, because I have no clue.) And then I ended up doing this.**

**Author's note: Don't do this at home. No really … DON'T.**

How to Raise the Dead:

A short, random, pointless oneshot by me.

The girl in the rubber room's fingers went tap-tap-tap against the keyboard.

~ line, line, line ~

**Setting: The City, a bench in front of a tall fancy Hotel.**

**Surroundings: It's a city, only rather than cars there are teleporters and other sci-fic or supernatural various methods of travel. The city is bustling with life. Down the street more than once shimmery blue lights appear and people materialize like computer-generated … things.**

A shimmery, kind of digital, blue light appeared in front of the bench in front of the Hotel in the City. The light took the form of a pale fourteen-year-old girl with straight shoulder-length brown hair and inquiring brown eyes of the same colour. She had on a grey designer jacket with buttons that fell halfway down her thigh, and neat crisp new blue jeans with white sneakers. Underneath her jacket she was wearing a simple blue shirt with a white underlining.

The girl's name was Darina Talle and she was five seconds old. She blinked and looked around. As she did so a small shimmery pale blue light appeared before her and a paper materialized, fluttering down. Darina reached out and caught it in gloved fingers.

It read:

Name of Agent: Darina Talle

Age of Agent: Fourteen

Rank/Status: Being Tested

Mission Number and Status: One; Testing Mission

Universe: Invader Zim

Subject: Dib What's-Your-Last-Name [1.]

Subject's Description: Black hair with a single-spike; blue shirt with a smiley face on it; glasses; large head. Age unknown; thought to be from age nine to twelve. Has a frightening not-to-be-messed-with sister called Gaz. Father is a famous scientist known only as Professor Membrane. Dib is known widely around the Earth of his universe as "insane" or "crazy" due to various claims of a fellow student of his being an alien

Mission: Convince Dib to give up information about how to raise the dead/create zombies. Feign interest in his studies, as Dib is constantly looking for someone to believe him about anything he might be focusing on currently, and will willingly give up information to those who are enthusiastic about paranormal studies. However, Dib is highly suspicious and paranoid. If all else fails use the abilities that you, like Alysa [2.], have been born with. You will be expected to give a full report when you return to your mission. More details will be given to you when you complete it

Reason for Mission: Just Because We Felt Like It

As soon as you accept this mission, this paper will self-implode in on itself and you will be teleported to your destination, the Membrane House

Darina blinked and read the letter again just to make sure she'd gotten it right. After a moment she said, "Uh, okay?"

Instantly the slip of paper in her hands began folding in on itself, again and again and again, until it was so small it was a speck. Then it blew up like a balloon in Darina's hand before shrinking, blinking out of existence.

And then Darina vanished in a very cliché but nevertheless pretty little puff of purple smoke.

~ this is a line space break because I want it to be ~

She reappeared a second later far, far away from the city, standing on a sidewalk in a small town in front of a path that led up to a tall dark house. The lawn was surrounded by weird blue electric things. Darina briefly wondered why before shrugging and deciding it didn't matter.

Correctly guessing that this was the Membrane House, she walked down the path to the front door and pushed it opened. It wasn't even locked. Maybe she could steal some things without anyone noticing ….

She pushed the thought to the back of her mind; she had a job to do. Darina forced her brown eyes to lock on a figure sitting on the couch asleep. The television was still on so it was clear that he had fallen asleep while watching TV. He had a shockingly large head, glasses, and a single black spike on his head that Darina assumed he called hair. This was obviously Dib what's-your-last-name, as he fit the description on the paper very well.

She came forward, picked up the remote, and shut off the TV. It had been the only light in the room and the only light came from the moonlight shining through the window until she reached out and clicked on a lamp.

Darina reached out and gently shook Dib awake. "Dib … Dib … hello, wake up!"

Dib jolted awake, sitting up so fast his glasses fell askew. "Huh – what? What? Zim, is that you?" Dib squinted in the darkness before straightening his glasses.

"I'm not Zim," said Darina, sitting beside him and frowning. "My name is Darina."

"I – wha – how did you get in here?"

"Um, the front door?" said Darina, answering what she thought to be a perfectly obvious question. "Listen … uh, Dib, was it? You're very famous, you know." For being crazy. "So I've been told that you know how to raise the dead. So could you tell me how to do it?" Darina gave him her big-eyed look.

Caught off guard by her sudden appearance, Dib almost answered before catching himself and saying suspiciously, "Who are you?"

Darina smiled at him. "I'm Darina Talle. I'm a paranormal investigator just like you, but unlike you, I study – uh – the nefarious art of necromancy, also known as raising the dead. And I've been … told … that you know how to do it. So, can you tell me?"

"How do you know so much about me?" said Dib, his eyes narrowing in paranoia. He was as jumpy and untrusting as the note had said.

"You're very famous," repeated Darina. For literally having a big head.

Dib hesitated. "… Am … I?"

Darina smiled again and nodded enthusiastically. "Although you are known in public as a … crazy large-headed boy, you are known in … the paranormal … studies circles as … a genius," she finished. Thankfully her made-on-the-spot and sudden lies seemed convincing. "So, in the name of paranormal science, please tell me how to raise the dead." She glanced along him sideways.

Dib just stared, trying to comprehend this information which had been given to him so quickly. "Do you work for the Swollen Eyeball?"

The Swollen _what_?

Darina blinked and raised her hand to her eyes. "The Swollen _what_?"

Apparently not.

Dib asked, "How do I know you're really a paranormal investigator?"

Darina feigned being shocked. "I would think that another investigator would be able to tell another investigator from the frauds," she said with a tinge of hurt. She made a movement as if to leave.

Dib did not usually meet pretty paranormal-investigating teenaged girls ready to sit on his couch and listen to him talk, and being the predictable male [3.] he was, he said quickly with a nervous smile, "I was just … testing you. So, what do you want to know?"

Darina settled back down again and gave him a very sunny smile, her hands folded in her lap. "Just how to efficiently raise the dead, that's all. Hey, what's that?" she asked, suddenly distracted. She was pointing at a bunch of small, green, squishy-looking gummy-bear-look-alikes that were lying around beneath the TV.

"Those are my gummy bears [4.]," said Dib with a tinge of sadness. "I used to have all twenty-six but then my sister Gaz ate four to get me to tell her what had happened when I cursed her to taste nothing but pork, and now I only have twenty-two. I love them a lot," he added.

… Okay. A guy in love with his gummy bears. That wasn't creepy at all.

Still … Darina grinned just a little crazily. Perfect blackmail material, if she ever needed it.

"So … the whole raise-the-dead thing?" she prompted.

"Oh yeah!" Dib remembered. "Yeah, so – " Then he froze.

Darina watched curiously as he slowly turned towards her, suspicion once again over his face.

"You … really are a paranormal investigator investigating necromancy?"

Darina paused, tilting her head to once side and staring at him, trying to figure out what had him going this time. "Yeah, why?"

"And you investigate the paranormal … the help the people?"

"Why wouldn't I want to help my own kind?" Dib had her really confused.

"If you help the people," said Dib slowly, staring at her, "then why would you need to know about how to raise the dead? Shouldn't you be preventing the information from falling into the wrong hands, or making sure that that kind of information would be forgotten forever?"

Darina looked at Dib and her face became a blank mask, as it always did – or rather, always would do, as she was about twenty minutes old – when she was thinking. She could've told Dib that she was doing it so she would know how to prevent others from raising the dead, or she could've asked where he had learned to raise the dead himself, but just by looking at him she knew that none of them would work with him.

Which was actually reassuring, in a way, because now she could have fun blackmailing him.

She lunged out sideways out of nowhere and leapt over to the TV, her fingers closing over the gummy bears, which made morbid squeaky sounds as Dib let out a horrible scream. "Tell me, Dib," she said with a sadistic smile, picking one and holding it tauntingly over her mouth. "Tell me now, or I'll eat them, Dib. I'll eat them ALL."

"NO! Not the gummy bears! Anything but the gummy ears!" Dib screamed.

Darina answered by putting on in her mouth, her white teeth crushing it before swallowing it. It went down her gullet. Dib could almost hear its wails.

"Please! Have mercy!" yelled Dib. "The gummy bears mean everything to me!"

Creeper.

Darina hissed malevolently and gulped down another.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CRESIDDA! ALBERT!"

What person names their own gummy bears? Darina coughed and then picked another, holding it between her nails. To Dib, it looked very delicate and screamed in fright.

"Okay, okay! I'll tell you everything!" shouted Dib. "Just don't – eat – Nadine! She's my favourite!"

This is Darina's mind before blackmailing Dib with the gummy bears: ~ O dejibhf :P XD ^ Hsdhdeofel OOOO de. Dheua ~

This is Darina's mind after blackmailing Dib with the gummy bears: ….

Dib spilt all his secrets of how he raised the dead and eventually Darina tossed him back his gummy bears, including the ever-favourite Nadine, who trembled in Dib's hand.

At the door, Darina paused and looked behind her. "Remember Dib, this never happened. And if I ever find out that you have told anyone about this meeting – I'll come back and finish eating them, Dib. ALL OF THEM SHALL PERISH IN THE HELL-HOLE THAT IS MY STOMACH. Thank you." With a rather disturbing smile, Darina vanished in a cliché but pretty little puff of purple smoke.

Dib slumped down on the couch, his hands cradling his twenty remaining gummy bears. "She's as bad as Steve and that Blaaaaaaa girl," he mumbled to himself.

MISSION COMPLETED.

**[1.] In Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom, the Meekrobs called Dib, "Dib what's-your-last-name." Dib said, "Yeah, that's right", so I must naturally assume this really is Dib's last name. "Dib Membrane" just does not suit him in a way I cannot explain. It just doesn't.**

**[2.] Alysa is an OC of mine. Although she doesn't even belong to this fandom ….**

**[3.] I have nothing against males, but … you have to admit that the ones like Dib really are … well, predictable. :P**

**[4.] I forget what they were called in Gaz, Taster of Pork, so we'll just assume they were called gummy bears.**

**If you liked this, you should check out Blaaaaaaa's story!**

**That was short and fast and not my best work, but it was more for fun than a serious project, so don't be too harsh on me!**

**Review, please!**


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